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May 13, 2003--The Earth. The very idea that we, the human race, could be destroying the Earth is something that
I have a difficult time grasping. I mean, how could we destroy something that has experienced who knows what
for millions of years? We have no real knowledge about the things that occured before the arrival of humans.
Of course, through science, we think we have an idea, but that is really not the same as having been witness, is it?
I think it will prove to be more accurate to say that if we continue to treat the Earth as we do, and continue to fail to
honor her as the mother and sustainer of our very existence, that we will destroy ourselves. Let's face it, aren't we
a bit arrogant to think that this massive entity should be shaped and conformed to our needs? I recently saw a story
on the news about an on going drought in Arizona. No rain in the desert? Unbelievable! Lake Havasu, a
man-made lake, is running low on water. The people are forced to spend their vacations looking at the natural canyons
that have been lost beneath water for the last decades, rather than water skiing and boating! The Earth, I believe,
exists in a kind of homeostasis, much like the human body and, like the human body, will do what is necessary to maintain
and retain that inner balance. Much the way the human body rids itself of harmful foreign substances, eventually
the Earth will move to rid herself of humans. Unfortunately, All humans and not just the ones that have done harm.
And let's face it, most are guilty of contributing to the harm of nature on some level or another.
May 19, 2003-- We must question the motives of all who hold positions of power, for the destruction of liberated society
is too simple. All that is required is one man to stir the embers of the secret and not so secret fears of the people,
and act with the promise of preventing those fears from coming to light. How easily man will give up his freedom to
be protected from his fears. But one must remember that freedom requires risk. To remove risk means the end of
freedom. We live in a nation that is founded upon the willingness to accept risk. Risk means the opportunity for
inovation and creation. Risk is ever present in the face of necessity and necessity is the mother of invention.
It is the lifeblood of freedom. The first inhabitants accepted the risk of finding freedom across a vast plane of ice.
Our European ancestors risked the security of established society and government to step into the unknown, all for the freedom
to live by their own principles. On and on throughout our history there is an element of risk, people willing to accept
the worst for a chance at living the dream of freedom. The Revolutionaries did it, and defeated the strongest nation
in the world. The Emancipationists did it, even at the risk of nearly destroying the nation. And countless others.
The Wright brothers, every astronaut and inventor, every person willing to risk a journey to find the dream and spirit of
every American, that is freedom. The current regime believe that our fears will drown out our reason, that we will trade
our liberty for the promise of security, but to be pacified is to hand over our Freedom, our spirit and our dream, with both
hands.
The people must act now to preserve the basic foundation of our Democracy. We must battle against the threat to
our freedom and not allow even one liberty to be infringed upon further. We must act quickly to bring a halt to further
insurrection within the current regime. We must demand accountability from those who have abused the power granted them
by the citizens and enacted laws that serve no purpose except to protect their wealthy benefactors. We must not
continue to allow those who have been elected to use the government to further their personal social agendas, for history
has shown us that social change cannot be enacted by legislation, but must take place within the hearts and minds of the citizens.
We are placing our liberty in peril. A policy of non-aggression is imperative to an evolved and enlightened society.
We must foster an example of power that does not require militarianism and violence to maintain social order. Our nation
must set itself apart as a nation that derives its strenght and power from the fundamental ideals of and the unwavering conviction
to the principles of Liberty and free society. We must learn to utilize the art of diplomacy and intellegent resolution
of international, as well as domestic, crises. That is the way to true peace and security.
May 29, 2003-- I have been feeling rather blocked in the past few weeks, in the spiritual sense. I think I may be
trying too hard to make things happen, and also, I am questioning my motivations. Am I too self-serving? I know
that my goal in this lifetime is a 10/1. I have always determined that to mean a movement from self-service to self-awareness.
Of course, the key lies on the path, and mine is 11/2, movement from meekness to light-bearer.
Reasons for choosing the Mother Road:
#1. To "fill my fountain directly from the source." To reach a deeper understanding of the Divine presence,
to have deeper spiritual experiences.
#2. To awaken the creative channels of my spirit/mind, to quicken the flow of those energies and allow their release.
#3. To deepen my perception and experience of the world around me.
June 4, 2003-- Do you believe in dream analysis? I have dreamed twice of crawfish. In one dream I just swam
away from their pinchers. In the second there was a giant one who was a monster of some kind. It is said that
crawfish fortell a spiritual awakening. This I await gladly, however I have some reservations about any change.
What if (that's the game) the change is not something that I like. At any rate, it will be some movement, which is always
welcome in my current state of mind.
June 10, 2003-- I have written much about my experiences in life and my being a survivor of sexual abuse as a child (personal
writings page 1) This piece is in response a question posted on Witch's Voice this week. The question is about
"Problem Children" in the pagan community. There has been much discussion about sexual predators and people who
claim to have spiritual credentials that they do not. I have come to believe, after years of surviving the traumas in
my life, that no dark thing can exist in the light. I am a firm believer that when we bring something out into the light
we can defeat it, often simply pointing out it's existence. We have a long and terrible history in western society of
blaming the victims of crimes, this must come to an end and I believe that the pagan community, open as we are, should take
the lead and do things in a way that the traditional religious institutions have not. We should deal with perpertrators
in our midst openly and swiftly. We should not create a haven for these people to continue to violate us and our children.
And we should do it without fear. As a sign that we be free.
June 18, 2003-- Things change. I can feel the changes coming in my Self and, believe me, that scares the heck out
of me. I am the kind of person who wants to know what is around the corner. That is the reason that I don't do
Tarot cards or any kind of future tellling for myself, because the desire to know what is coming, to know what to expect is
a dangerous thing that can prevent a person from doing and learning what they have come to learn. I personally do not
want to live this life again. I don't even want to come back for another round on this planet if I can help it.
Life, I think, is too hard. I would much rather do my soul perfecting in "heaven" or wherever else we may go after we
die. Perhaps that is the lesson we have come to learn. "There's no place like home."
June 26, 2003-- I had nearly written an entire paragraph here this week when suddenly my computer went on the fritz and
everything was erased. I don't know what to think about that. Is it a sign? That kind of reminds of the
movie Signs. I do tend to see everything that happens that is out of the ordinary as a sign or an omen. The problem
is that I really am not very good at interpreting these signs and omens. I always feel as if I am being lead somewhere,
but I don't really understand the directions I am being given. It's almost as if I am being lead by someone who speaks
a foreign language. Obviously, this leads to my being in a state of confusion most of the time. I keep looking
for clear signs in the fog. Oh, A Tragic Kingdom in Which I Dwell!
July 11, 2003--"There is a brokenness..." Those words bring me such strength and comfort. For those who are
not familiar with the quote, it is a line from a poem by a poet called Rashani. That kind of depth and emotion is what
I strive to reach in my own poetry and often I feel it lacking.
There Is A Brokenness by Rashani
There is a brokenness
out of which comes the unbroken,
A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is sorrow
Beyond all grief which leads to joy
And fragility
Out of whose depth emerges strength.
There is a hollow space
Too vast for words
Through which we pass with each loss,
Out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being.
There is a cry deeper than all sound
Whose serrated edges cut the heart
As we break open
To the place inside which is unbreakable
And whole.
I don't really know if it is legal for me to put this on my site, but I figure that as long as I make clear
that it is not mine and only a piece that brings me such a blessed feeling, that anyone who reads this might recieve its blessing
as well, that I will cross my fingers and hope for the best.
And there is something that happens to us when we come through great tragidy and hardship in our lives that
makes us feel our joys and even our sorrows so much more deeply. I realize that, often, when we are having difficulties
it seems as if we have been cursed or we are being punished. It takes much soul searching and time to recognize
the blessings in our trials. I read somewhere that in the here-after, a being that has survived the Human Experience
is very much respected and revered for their wisdom. That is nice to know. I personally feel that only a
very brave soul would even attempt the feat of life on Earth. Mostly I just want to bring some kind of Hope and Blessing
to anyone who is having and experiencing difficulty and trial in their life and let them know that there are brothers and
sisters out there who are crossing their fingers and wishing them all the relief and joy and wholeness that lies at
the end of the journey. Be Blessed.
July 24, 2003-- I attended a class on Runes on the 20th. I got to be the guinea pig for a reading. I was
truly amazed at how reluctant I was to have this reading done in front of other people. I have found that
I truly have an aversion to any kind of reading being done by someone other than myself. I suppose it has everything
to do with the fear of having things about myself exposed to another person. Anyhow, the reading was a good
one, one that I actually understood as being significant to what is currently happening in my life. You see, it has
recently been brought to my attention in a big way that my life at present lacks balance. Both inner and outer.
I have begun to feel recently that I spend entirely too much of my life in the cerebral. There is truly nothing in my
life that I do not analyze to death. I think and think and think...you get the picture. This greatly inhibits
my ability to do many things, because I tend to talk myself out of it by over thinking and planning. This tendency to
think too much also greatly harms my ability to listen to my intuition. My intuition is actually quite good, unfortunately
I only discover this after I have done the opposite. You may ask yourself why, if my intuition is so good, do I not
use the reasoning that it is correct. That is a very good question that I will answer with the reasoning that I am just
plain thick with what if`'s! I over think and as many of you know, often one's intuition tells you to do things that
don't really make very much sense, at least not in the conventional way. So I am doomed to smack my forehead and moan
"Alas!" again and again. I often fear that these gut feelings will just fade away because I so frequently ignore them.
Fortunately, I have recently been assured that the place that intuition comes from never stops helping us. Blessed Be.
July 28, 2003-- Does it make me a horrible sexist to never want to acknowledge the role that the masculine principle
plays in the natural and spiritual worlds? I believe the term Masculine to be obsolete. After all, is there anything
in nature that does not come from the Mother? She creates and She destroys in an infinite cycle and anything that creates
and destroys must be feminine and come from the Goddess. I think that is why men had to place their masculine god in
a transcendent place and give that dominion, because other than the sex differences there is really nothing in nature that
is not Female. This brings me to my point: honor the Feminine, and that means all of her cycles including Death
and Destruction. Do not place her in few mundane places within your circle, Do not call her only Grandmother.
But set her up in a high place and Honor Her as your Mother.
August 1, 2003--I do not believe that Man is masculine at all, but is simply another aspect of the feminine. I
qualify that statement by reminding you all that until around the 4th month en utero, a fetus is a girl, alwalys, in every
instance. Sex is determined around the 4th month of pregnancy. This occurs because of a shift
in the levels of testosterone, catalyzed by the presence of Y chromosomes. It is actually much more complicated than
this, but that is the gist of it. Therefore, by scientific standards, all life begins as female. Another point
I would like to add: If you can visualize the female reproductive organs(internal) you may notice that if you were
to push the ovaries through the fallopian tubes, down into the uterus and then push that down through the vagina, to the outside
of the body, you may notice that this will look exactly like a scrotum and testes. Obviously because this is exactly
what the scrotum and testes are, an inversion of the female internal reproductive organs. This brings us to the question: If the above
noted evidence is accurate, then what is the masculine principle in the universe? I question that there is
a masculine principle. So what then, is the opposite of female, in the cosmic sense?
I put it to you that there is no opposite. The Feminine just is. So why even call it Feminine? Therefore,
I suggest that we cease to use the terminology of Masculine (which we have concluded is non-existent)
and Feminine ( as demarcation has now been deemed unnecessary). There is only Divine. Blessed Be!
August 20, 2003-- Well there is lots and lots to tell since my last entry. First off, I have a job. It is
albeit a low-paying job, but a job never-the-less. It does have fabulous benefits though. I have felt the spirit
moving throughout my plysical life in a big, big way in the past few weeks and for that I am thankful. I am learning
to express my thanks in ways that never occured to me in the past. I also have had a revelation concerning asking
for help from the spirit world. That is why our spirit guides and helpers are there: to help us. Therefore,
we should not feel guilty or ashamed of asking them for help. Where does that sense that it is bad or wrong to ask for
help come from anyway? I do not even want to think about the times that I could have used some help and never
asked. Not that I believe that a person will be given anything that they desire by simply asking, but I do
think that it couldn`t hurt to ask, even if you don't necessarily get what you want. The important thing
is to talk to your guides and let them know what you are thinking you may need. Plus they really appreciated being acknowledged.
Can you imagine trying to help someone who never even acknowledged your existence? Blessed Be!
September 2, 2003-- I began my new job today and boy was it umm.... Exhilarating, exhausting, lots and lots of fun......
too many, too much. I did have fun though. I have not been very focused on the spiritual the past few weeks, it
seems that every major event in the past month has been in the physical world. However, I am fine with that, as I am
of the belief that even the physical realm is ruled by Spirit. I have written and written and will soon be able
to post lots of new poetry and prayers.
August 27, 2003--Mars is on the horizon. I have been feeling the presence of the war God this past week.
I won't go into details, but every issue that I asked for assistance with the last New Moon has been resolved. I am
grateful. (Tonight, on this New Moon I will give thanks and continue to foster my relationship with the spiritual presence
in my life. I am a bit nervous about doing my own ceremony, but I am ready. To be honest, it is long overdue.)
I feel myself being reminded again and again of my former Self, the Self that has been missing in action the past few months.
I am thankful for the strength I was given in May to attend my first public ritual, because I am aware that the loss that
has taken place would have been much greater had I not been able to attend the circle. I only hope that the negativity
that must have dripped off of me has not damaged anyone else in the mean time. It is truly amazing, the way that I have
been able to physically feel the negativity of the presence float away. I am almost feeling back to normal. I
have even felt the urge to write again. (I haven't written anything of any great importance in at least 4 months.) Goddess
Blessings to all!
November 4, 2004--The votes are in and have all been counted and it looks like four more years......... They say
there was a record turnout at the polls. That is probably the only good thing to come ou
October 6, 2004-- I am taking an inventory of my self and am glad to say that I am not the person today that I was last
year. Change is good. I no longer recognize the old me, those attitudes are dead and buried. When I realize
how much I have changed, I am now able to understand the panicked reaction from my family when they are forced to deal
with me. I am a stranger to them and that makes me a bit sad. However, I do not miss the old "me", or rather the
mask the old "me" used to wear. Blessed be. She changes everything she touches. If I can only be a little
more enlightened each year of my life, I am only the better for it.
September 20, 2004-- Wow, it has been a long time. Big, Big changes have happened over the past several months.
I am now more myself than ever before and feeling good, good, good! I am feeling stagnation only in my spiritual
life, but it will come. I am being patient and just doing my thing. I must be doing something right, because they
haven't been knocking on my head. Famous last words..... I still ache and what does that mean? If only there
was a place and time and so on.... I want to emerse myself in something beautiful.
April 13, 2004--Does your computer keep trying to give you "free" stuff? I am one who has the opinion that nothing
is ever free. You have to buy something or sign-up for something, give something away, etc.. Does the rule of
give and take hold true for everything in life? That is something to think about. What is truly free? There
is nothing I can think of that does not require some kind of payment, be it gift or no. And yet... how unfortunate would
it be not to give.. So I ask myself can I freely give? Can I do something without seeking out a reward or payment?
That is a hard one.
March 1, 2004--Big changes have been in the air. I am learning how to fight, an d how to say what needs to be said.
I thank Kali-ma for lending me her steel. I feel that I can take care of myself better than I ever have before!
Spiritually, my growth has been in the physical realms. I am realizing that the work that I am here to do is going to
be in the real world, that I am called to bring something to mankind. I still am not certain what that may be, but I
know that the only way to discover it is to walk in the world and do whatever task is set before me. My contribution
may be small or large, but it is something important none the less. I pray that everyone feels this way, that everyone
feels that the task that has been set before them is important and is something that cannot go undone. I also have had
the fortune of meeting many new allies, people that feel as certain as I do that we have received a call to action.
It is not enough to sit in a room and pray, it is not enough to stand in ceremony and speak empty words! We must live
our Spirit Paths. We must walk the road and be a light to the world. I am not talking about preaching or
proselytizing. I am talking about making our ethical ideals, living and breathing realities. One simply cannot
say that he or she believes in "love unto all things" is the law and not live that law in each step that they take.
Where is the kindness that love brings? Where is the spiritual generosity? The world is becoming a hard and bitter
place. Living in hipocrisy and blindness is not enough. Blessed Be!!!
January 16, 2004--Happy New Year. I suppose that it is better late than never. There are some things in the
works, but nothing specific to write about as of today. I really need to organize some thoughts first. Just wanted
to let you know that I am still alive.
December 23,2003--I feel as if I have finally returned to the light! Thank you, Divine One, for helping me to
remember where my strenghth lies. I am coming back to myself and it is good.
December 10, 2003--Winter is here. Usually my favorite season, yet this year I feel...I can't really describe it.
Off-center may be the right terminology. I have been questioning myself, my spiritual path. It brings to mind
a card reading that I had recently. This is obviously part of the journey, but it is difficult.
December 5, 2003-- This probably going to be a short entry, but here goes. I am so bogged down in the mundane this
week. There is so much negativity being generated in my place of employment, and I feel as if I am wearing a suit of
it. It isn't exactly unhappiness, its just a heavy sort of feeling and to be honest, it has got me feeling mean, so
to speak. I need, I suppose, to find a way to not take so much of my environment into my body. A master would
probably tell me that I will need to make my internal light and peaceful before I can learn to generate those qualities in
the external. I do know that life is difficult and part of me wants to cry "It's not fair!"
Samhain 18, 2003-- I am learning about the importance of prayer. I recently found out that prayer is at the root
of my spiritual calling and I now feel that until I truly learn to devote myself to the practice of prayer that there can
be no forward movement in my spiritual life. So that is what I am trying to do. It seems important to me to leave
everything else on the back burner for a while, at least until it becomes like a second nature to me to pray. I have
set up a prayer altar and also made a decided move to pare everything down as much as possible, especially when it comes to
my tools of magick that I rarely use. I realize now that by having them on my altar and not using them that I was not
giving them the respect and reverence that they deserved. I am seeking out things that are truly useful and will be
used well to take their place. Not that I am getting rid of everything. Some things I have just moved to a
place that ensures that they will be used to their fullest. I feel that I have had a change in perspective, that what
I am headed toward is no longer a shadow in the future, but a place just on the horizon. "Prepare now" is what the voices
are saying to me. I have been given step by step instructions and I feel it only wise to follow them.
October 27, 2003--I am feeling better. I finally released some of the things that have been bogging me down for awhile.
It feels good. I am noticing how pared down my life has gotten. Take only what you need. That is good advice.
I have been attending a class on basic ritual and it has been good work. I rely on my intuition mostly, but having
a structured way of doing things is nice. It actually makes it easier to focus. I have learned some things that are
not in any of the books I have read, confirming that the best information comes from experience and learning from someone
who is experienced. How many of us have truly taken the time to meet and learn about the quarters? Most books
just tell you what to say without ever discussing why one says this or that, or even who is being addressed. I am glad
that I have met the wolf in the South, the Butterflies in the East. At least I know for sure who I am inviting into
my space. And I know they will come, because they have simply told me. Be Blessed.
October 11, 2003--Difficulties have arisen. Most of them may be the product of my rather dramatic imagination, but
I feel bogged down. Some of it may be the recent news that one of my school children has been assaulted by her grandfather.
In light of my history, it has really sent me for a loop. I have had some pretty intense dreams that have left me feeling
helpless and afraid. And there are the usual family pressures. I just feel weary. I have started a class
on basic ritual with group that I have been involved with the past 6 months. That is a bright spot, even though I often
feel a little less than confident. That is something for me to battle in the future.
October 1, 2003-- The New Year is drawing near. That makes one think of all the changes that have taken place in
the past year. I know my life and my Self have changed, for better or worse, this year. I have things and people
come in and out of my path, and now I am counting the lessons learned. It is truly a time of celebration. I have
had so many blessings this year, so many new friends and teachers have come to me. I am exhilarated at the prospects
for the coming year. Now is also the time to lay to rest that which is no longer needed in this life, for all things
must pass. There are many things that are calling for their release, telling me that their times have come and I am
to let them go. I will find some of these things easily laid to rest, and others I will hold onto until the spirit guides
make me see I have no alternative except to let them go. Take a deep breath, girl, and here we go! they seem to be saying.
It is all a part of the Silver Thread that binds us together. Peace to you, and Love.
October 29,2005-- Merry Samhain! This year has been one of death and birth. Change on large scale, including
global change. I find myself having closed one door and nervously awaiting the opening of the new one. This a
time of great anticipation and hope for me. My faith has grown by leaps and bounds in the few weeks since my sacrifice
on the tree. (Havamal). Though not as intense as Odin, he is a god after all, it was intense enough. I learned
more about myself in those 9 hours than in 33 years of life in this human body. I know that I can accomplish the unthinkable
by my will, endure great trials, and when my will ends there is something more, something beyond myself to aid me, to pull
the rest of the way. I will always be thankful for that gift, for no matter how strong we think we are, we never
really know until we are faced with a trial. All of the fear, the cold, the discomfort, I survived that and overcame
the urge to surrender, to give up my will to complete my oath. And I thank the gods for pulling me the rest of the way
when it just became too much, I thank the gods for the miracle leap of time. I look forward to spending the rest of
the year immersed in my studies both formal and informal, I look forward to being with my friends, new and old, and I look
forward to the coming lessons of the new year. JKM
March 25, 2005-- Death is in the air this week. Nationally and personally. I guess that the national debate
has got everybody thinking about how they want to go. I have told everyone that I know that if I am ever in a
persistent vegatative state that I want to be let go. If I am in a state in which I cannot talk, move, interact, communicate
effectively-- let me go. I never want to be held captive in a shell of a body. Death is not the worst thing that
can happen to a person, and I do not understand the thought process that causes people to be so afraid of the process.
It is going to happen to everyone. I am not saying that we should seek death, when the natural process begins learning
to embrace it, to heal past wounds, to go with grace... People should seek to make their final hours about their
human connections and their spiritual relationships. Make their peace with themselves and the human existence they are
leaving behind. Death is not something to be afraid of, it is the end of a time, a transition into a new realm of existence.
March 18, 2005--This year is a time of balance for me. I am finding myself on a very outward path, open to putting
myself out there in the public eye. I am surprised how willing I am to do this. It is surprising. I just
started doing stuff and it seems to snowball. I have found myself in opportunities way. I am beginning to question
why, there seems to be no reason, yet I know that there is. Time will tell.
December 3, 2004--The group that I attend regulary has recently been faced with a difficult issue surrounding the ethics
of ritual and spellcasting. A person that had been attending circle had engaged in many behaviors that were questionable
and did not fall into the concensus of what the other circle members deemed appropriate ethically. So what to do?
It seems that it was not as simple as just asking the person not to return.
November 18, 2004--What is a Bodach? He is a "helpful" brownie who does actually help sometimes, but more often than
not, he is a meddler, doing more damage than good. How do we deal with the Bodach? One wouldn't wish to hurt his
feelings, but at the same time, one is not willing for him to hang around and meddle in the work one is set to do. Does
one just say "Buzz Off!" or would that be apt to bring about retribution (and is Faery style retribution something anyone
would want?!) Does one calmly and nicely explain to him that we do not need his help at this time? Perhaps redirection
of his energy is in order.
Fortunately, I feel as if the issue with the Bodach is resolved, at least for now. I won't be sweeping him aside.
Perhaps his energy is needed. He is, after all, around for some reason. (Even though I have no idea why).
I am learning to accept the things that show up in my life. I am making, at least I feel I am making, a conscious effort
to be more accepting of the things that appear with apparent cause or reason. I am becoming less offended by surprise
appearances.
I am also making a conscious effort not to be so mean spirited, malicious and gossipy. Of course, as I say that I
have peoply show up who are able to trigger my very worst behavior. But I am attempting to foster an ability to contain
my critical, negative nature,and build an attitude of quiet acceptance. I want to be able to just wait to see what comes
along and then act accordingly. However, it is a bit outside my zone of comfort to not try to control every occurence
down to the letter. Ah well, that is growth. I will be vigilant in my willingness and leave a good deal of the
goings on up to the good spirits that surround me, as I try to move toward that place of self-awareness.
That brings up another issue that has been on my mind for some time now. Morality, specifically Truth vs. Honesty.
I have a moral and ethical base, but I am not at all certain how firm a foundation it truly is. I am questioning it
constantly now, testing to see what holds up. For example, I say I believe in Honesty absolutely, but do I live up to
that statement? I cannot say that I am always truthful. There are many kinds of deception and I, sadly enough,
have participated in most if not all of them. I cannot reconcile myself to Honesty and Truth being synonymous.
I think they are two totally separate ideals. The provision of information with taint of any kind? Is that Truth
or Honesty? Even as I write, I see how truly impossible it is to be completely honest or completely truthful.
Both must be subjective. Honesty, I think, must be a reflection of one's most authentic self. When we are in our
own truth, we are living honestly. Truth is highly subjective. Jane may tell me her name is Sue, and that may
be her truth in that moment. Therefore it is true that Jane's name is Sue. However I percieve that as a lie.
Three people can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch the same experience and give three different accountings of what actually
happened. Yet, they are all telling the truth. I am coming to believe that there are no hard and fast rules.
If truth is Black or White, then it must be so, except when it is not.
January 2, 2006--Happy New Year. So some of you may be thinking "God's, this lady is Psycho!" You may be right.
It's funny, but the previous post has turned out to be surprisingly freeing for me. It is as if the lid on the cauldron
has been tilted just a bit to let off some of the steam. The pressure has eased somewhat. I suppose that is a
good thing. I will admit however that a part of me feels like the wizard in OZ, that someone has pulled back the curtain
and exposed the little man working all of the levers and buttons. By the way, I have added a guestbook to my site, just
in case someone wants to leave a comment or some other form of communication.
December 31, 2005-- It's New Year's Eve, 3am. That sounds like the beginning of a bad song. I have been thinking
tonight, this morning, whatever, about my life, my friendships, myself...How many people know me? I know that there
are a lot of people out there who think they know me, but let me tell you, you don't know squat. People have often accused
me of being hard, but I have to tell you, when you have led the life that I have led, well..I am surprised at how sensitive
I can be. To give the Cliff's notes version, I was born, my father was a raging alcoholic who beat the snot out of my
mother on a daily basis for the first 5 years of my life. My mother left my father and married a total bastard less
than 6 months later, who was abusive in every way imaginable, not to mention that was when my cousin Tony started "experimenting"
as it has been put with myself and his sister. That went on for the next 7 years, after which my mother left my step
father, and proceeded to support my brother, sister and my self as a prostitute. When I say prostitute, I don't mean
call girl, I mean standing on the street corner hooker. She openly and frequently brought her "tricks" home to weild
her wares, and I can't tell you the number of times that I have had dirty old men come to my door and offer me good money
to take my mothers place because she wasn't home. I got pregnant at 15, was systematically pushed out of the school
system, because apparently teen age pregnancy is contagious. I got my GED at 16, worked minimun wage jobs until I was
old enough to go to college. I have raised my daughter by myself, done whatever was necessary to be certain that she
had a roof over her head, food and clothes, and that includes sitting hours on end in welfare offices and free clinics waiting
for assistance. So for those of you who feel that it is within your rights to judge me, who feel it necessary to recount
your pathetic little sob stories to me, in an arrogant attempt to tell me that your life has been so hard, that I am lucky
I never had to go through what you have gone through, Well...Suck it up and get over yourselves, because things are tough
all over and all crying about it gets you is a headache and stopped up nose.
3:30 am--I think the point of all this is that sometimes people think that the pain they have experienced in their life
is greater than anyone else's, and I suppose from their perspective it is. However, we never know someone else's story
if and until they choose to share it with us. I think that the belief that people should use their lifes stories to
illustrate how good another person has it is such an arrogant and thoughtless thing to do, because we never really know what
another person has experienced, and quite frankly, the more painful a persons life has been the less likely they are to share
it with others. That is the case for me, simply because as I said, what do I gain by telling anyone anything?
Sympathy? Gods know I don't want or need people to feel sorry for me.
December 30, 2005--They are investigating the illegal wire taps, but to find out who leaked the information to the press,
not the actual illegal wire tapping itself. I just have one statement about this. The president of the United
States is sworn to uphold and defend the constitution. He clearly and blatantly violated the constitution. He
says he did this to protect the citizens of this nation. My response to him is this: The constitution is the backbone
of this country. If he destroys the backbone in the process of defending the people, he will destroy the foundation
of this society, and in essence destroy this society in and of itself. He is an oathbreaker, his hamingja is bad and
he should be impeached.
December 29, 2005--I am slowly but surely destroying my life. I am overwrought, the stress is killing me, and
I am unable to communicate my pain. And no one seems to care. I have spent the last week sobbing, each time I
have tried to reach out to people, I have been rejected, no one seems to be interested in taking the time to understand me.
And now I am alone. I dreamed last night that the trio just walked in my door and I was powerless to make them leave.
My life and everything I care about is slipping away from me.
December 24, 2005--I am in quite a state these days. I feel lost and disconnected. I feel as though I am in
a state of conflict with everything and everyone around me, as though no one can understand my language or my meaning.
I feel trapped and find myself questioning everything and everyone. I am argueing with people I care about, I feel attacked
and yet no one seems to hear me, or see things in a balanced way. I feel like turning away from everything and everyone.
I cannot concentrate enough to journey, I cannot feel my songs, I am bottled up, nothing is flowing, nothing is moving.
I don't understand this feeling and I cannot seem to communicate what I am feeling to others. I am tired.
November 18, 2005-- It seems like everything around me is in a state of upheaval and change. It all feels so drastic.
I am only in the middle of my 8 cycle, and already almost every structure of my life has been altered. I am in a
new social circle, there has been a major overhaul at my job, including new teachers and administration, and the latest occurence
is the most difficult test. Of course I can not go into details, but I am wrought with anxiety. Nothing in my
life is immune from huge transitions and I have little or no support system. I don't really know how to cope, except
to just live through it. I pray that the gods will watch over me and protect.
November 3, 2005-- I have been seriously evaluating what I am willing and not willing to put up with in a relationship.
By relationship, I do mean all relationships, not necessarily romantic ones. Particuarly I am talking about friendship.
I have recently experienced general upheaval in the two most important friendships of my life. One did not survive,
the other I am not certain will survive very much longer. I am at a place in my life right now in which I simply cannot
engage in the sort of relationship practices of the past. I am no longer willing to not be impeccable with my word,
honest about my feelings and true to myself. I find that if I have to constantly censor myself and worry about how what
I say is going to be taken, I am not happy. I know my intentions, know that I rarely speak with the intention of offending
or hurting anyone. It makes me angry when people that I am calling my friends feel that they are entitled to chastize
me or belittle me because they don't agree or like what I am saying. A true friend likes you whether you are wrong or
right, whether they agree or disagree with you. They care for you even when what you say challenges them or makes them
think or feel in a way that they with which they are not necessarily comfortable. I am sensitive to peoples feelings,
but I do not feel that I should have to mollycoddle anyone, and cease to be true and honest in who I am and how I express
myself to make them feel comfortable. I do not feel that my friends of the past have accepted me for who I am, I also
do not feel that they accept themselves for who they are. We shall see with the friends of the future.
July 16th, 2007-- What do I want to say? I am trying word this in a way that will not be mistaken or misunderstood.
I had a very interesting experience last night that I will not bore you with, one of those out of the ordinary occurences
that leave you feeling a little dazed, but in a good way. Recent events have brought up things from the past that I
believed myself to have "gotten over". There are things that we have no control over, other people for instance, and
so we just stop thinking about them and move on. So what happens when those things come back into your life? Do
you hold a grudge, or take a chance? I am going to take a chance. A chance that the person really was acting in
a correct manner according to their perception of the situation, that they truly were influenced by a "devil~" who twisted
their thoughts and manipulated them so easily. I can do this because I was manipulated by the same "devil~", by the
same devious, selfish person, mostly because I underestimated them. When I grew wise to the true nature of the "demon~",
it was too late. Fortunately for me, and for the other person, a "devil~" can only hide hisorher true nature for a short
time, then they reveal themselves.
I want to confront the word "troll" that is so easily thrown around as a euphymism for someone less than worthy of being
in a community. Typically, it is used as a word for a person that one does not like... Truly it describes some one who
dwells in the dark, seeking only to feed its insatiable appetites and cannot confront the light, for fear of being turned
to stone. A troll is a coward, a liar, a fraud, who is so insecure with themselves that they seek to corral, control
and devour everything that is set before them. They want things their way and only their way, they are the center of
their own spiral, of their own universe and because it cannot see itself, it will never understand or find empathy with
another living soul. They will never come out into the sun, never dwell in a place where all can be seen and confronted.
A troll is a weak and fearful creature who is easily dealt with by simply stepping out of the shadows and facing the sunlight
of truth. AND YES I HOPE YOU READ THIS K~! even though I know you will not understand that it is you about whom I am
speaking. A troll never sees themselves, not even in a mirror, they do not understand that the reflection is not another
troll,but is themselves.
July 12th, 2007-- The baby arrived July 10th around 1:30 a.m. Our little Wren! Welcome little one. You
have so many people that love you so much and have been waiting for you to arrive for so long. Welcome precious one!
July 9th, 2007-- My horoscope last week said that my sign was moving through Cancer and that the week would be a period
of nostalgia and that things from the past would come up. This astrology group scares me sometimes....I can't tell you
how many times my horoscope has been dead on! Old friends have reached out, and even though I am doing so with
great caution, I am going to touch base and see what happens. I have moved through the old cycle and the past can be
laid to rest quite easily, the old conflicts have been resolved with the help of the gods and Urd. I feel that I can
comfortably manifest a "Wait-And-See" Attitude and just allow nature to take its course. So we shall see....
July2, 2007-- My daughter told me I am doing this all wrong. I have a website, not a blog, and I am supposed to journal
on my blog, not my website. So duh.. I feel stupid! I have done it wrong this long, I may as well keep going,
LOL!!
On a different note: Life is, I have found out, STRUGGLE with laughs in between. You just have to keep going.
June 29th, 2007-- I am exploring the world of on-line communities. I have decided that I like facebook the best.
MySpace feels like a "kids only" world. Otherwise, I have been working (3 days a week, 4 hours per day. OMG's
I am so exhausted!! No seriously, I am exhausted!) and getting M ready for school, which is a job in and of itself, what with
the emotional rollercoaster we are both on. It seems like one minute we are hugging and the next argueing. It's
all very dramatique, per the usual for the both of us! I am contemplating re-reading the 6th Harry Potter book befor
the 7th comes out, because as I age, I find I can't remember a damn thing!
June 18th, 2007-- My emotional state is very fragile right now as the time draws near for my baby bird to exit the nest.
Several things have happened that it simply doesn't take a genius to know where coming. My mother is ill and finally
owned up to her COPD diagnosis. I hope that all smokers everywhere will take heed. This disease is deadly and
my mother has about 10 years left in her cycle here in this plane of existence. This has made things difficult as the
day has come that I am caring for my mother. It is slightly disheartening to think that just as I am finished raising
my child, my mother needs care. But that is how it is with families..... My baby is registered and officially a "Cowboy"
at the college of her choosing. She is taking Russian!? I am not saying any thing, if that is the language she
wants to take in college, so be it.... She is very excited about her classes and we are now anxiously awaiting her dorm room
assignment.----------- I am learning a lot about myself in this process that I am in at the moment. I am learning about
my ability to withstand and recognize when I am on the verge of drowning in the stresses of life. I am learning that
I am able to perservere and keep moving forward. My question is "When does a person deal with the emotional aspects
of life on the constant go?" I haven't quite mastered this technique and I find that my pattern in the past has been
to react to whatever emotional stimulus is happening and understanding what it was all about in the aftermath.
I haven't been able to discover the key to understanding before reacting. But then, awareness of our challenges is the
beginning of growth and change, learning. Perhaps soon, the whirlwind will settle and I will emerge from the storm,
once again, a new person.-------
May 25th, 2007-- My daughter graduated from high school this past monday. She will be going camping for the weekend
with her friends this afternoon. <sigh> She is grown up. The graduation was wonderful and emotional.
I am so incredibly proud. She was beaming in her pictures and just beautiful. In just a few short weeks, she will
be going away to college and then on to her life. It is such an incredible thing to watch your child grow up and become.
I am amazed at her and her wonderful talents. I keep thinking of all things that she will experience and learn in the
coming years, and I hope that I have given her all of the tools and values necessary to cope.
May 4th, 2007-- When I let things go, strangely enough, justice was served. I guess the saying "Let go and Let God"
has true meaning. I am trying not to gloat too much, but there is a peice of me that feels enormously satisfied.
Is that wrong? I don't necessarily think so. I dreamed last night that I was trying to catch a golden butterfly
and there was a great big insect trying to catch the same butterfly. It bit me twice on the ankle and foot, but then
I killed it. Funny thing is that I was afraid to pick up the butterfly, so I smashed it with a book. Then I picked
it up and put it in a cage. It was still alive, but it was no longer golden, but white with small rainbow marks on it
and it was sad, very human in its expressions. A warning I think. I just hope I can pay attention.
April 13, 2007--And exhale! It's all gone, all of the collecting dust bunnies. There is nothing like a good
spring cleaning. Thanks for the help. (too cryptic? There are those who understand....) Big wink and
smile.
March 29th, 2007-- This month has just flown by.....Whew....Spring break was great. We went to visit family in Texas
and had a great time, ate some great ribs, mesqite smoked by my brother-in-law, and watched my nephew's little league game.
He pitched a no-hitter. We basically just relaxed and had a great vacation. M and I went to OSU and toured the
campus, looked a dorm rooms and found out all of the info to get her started next semester. She is looking forward to
graduation and prom (less than a month away now). Seems like only yesterday that she was my little girl, and now she
is getting ready to go out into the world and become who she is meant to be. My little blackbird is spreading her wings.
Is it obvious how proud I am? The most scary thing for me is the realization that now that she is raised, I need
to find something to do with myself. The ideas and ideals that I have are scary and wonderful and all of emotions that
come with pure potential and anticipation of what is to come. For the first time, my life will be mostly about ME.
That is exciting and daunting all at the same time. This year is the beginning of a new cycle for me, a blank
canvas upon which I can paint anything I choose. Pure potential.
March 6th, 2007--Well, its crunch time. My daughter has a big decision to make concerning which college she will
attend. Full academic scholarships to both, great opportunities at both! What to do? She is definitly feeling
the pressure of her senior year. But what wonderful choices to have! I am so proud..I am probably making everyone
sick of me. I have always been proud of my girl, her strength, the way she has grown. What a special, precious
person. Life is flowing along, the bumps are the garden variety. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but
I will say this...I am going to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride.
February 23, 2007- This has been a great month for me! I have so much joy and fun in my life right now that I just
can't help letting it bubble up and out of me. Everything is just solid. 2 new babies in my family, a wedding,
my daughter got into college on a full academic scholarship!!! It is a wonderful time. The past month has been
like a breath of fresh air for the first time in years. Releasing everything has been a tremendous help to me, and coming
to terms with who I am spiritually, psychically, physically. I am feeling greatness in myself again. I have even
begun to write again, which after about 3 years of what amounts to a dry spell, that is a miracle. If feels so wonderful
to have so many good people in my life, people who are honest and truly decent. I know now that the drama of the past
years was my psyche trying to sweep out the trash, trying to tell me that the people and things I had associated myself with
were not right, could never be right. What a great feeling to be where I am now.
November 27, 2006--
***You Should Be A Poet***
You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or
describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.
What Type of Writer Should You Be?
http://www.blogthings.com/whattypeofwritershouldyoubequiz/
November 30, 2007-- My what a busy busy year I have been having! Many many changes have come. M is now firmly
on her way, a full fledged college student. She never calls unless she needs something......They say that is a good
sign that she is adjusting well. I am proud of her. I have begun full-time college classes myself, in addition
to full-time work. Stressful, but I love learning! I learn new things daily, through life, through school.
I am content, but not complacent or off my guard. I find that as each day month and year passes that I know who I am.
What happens around me does not shake my core or make me question myself. I am secure. This a wonderful thing
to find within oneself.
August 1, 2007-- Time is winding down and soon she leaves, venturing out into the world. I cannot describe my emotions,
they are too jumbled, a mix of fear, excitement, sadness, pride...... and too many other things to name. She is mass
of feelings as well, I know. As the day grows near, her anxiety increases and she is torn between the need to fly and
the impulse to cling. The effect is pushing and pulling. It is truly gut wrenching and exhilirating simultaneously.
July 25th, 2007-- I just got a batch of pictures of Wren in the mail yesterday. I can't believe how happy my brother
looks. The baby is so beautiful.
July 18th, 2007-- For several weeks now I have been watching my nieghborhood red-tailed hawks teach their baby to fly.
The timing is not lost on me as I prepare to send my own baby out into the world to learn to fly. Today we recieved
her dorm assignment, and the exit from the nest has become a reality. As we were out and about today, I noticed the
baby hawk soaring just above the trees, rather shakily in some places, but soaring none the less, as mother and father watched
closely from above. I imagine how proud they must be as they watch their offspring progress with each attempt at flight,
and I feel the same swelling in my own heart as I witness my own childīs flight from the nest. As she takes each step
in her stride towards adulthood, shakily in some places, but striding none the less, I realize the gift that I have recieved
in being allowed the privlege to teach her and foster her growth into the woman that she will become.
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